Monday, May 26, 2014

Dani-10 months

Dear sweet Dani Kalifornia Ruby Rayne,

You are ten months old!  That's two months from a whole year!!  It's crazy just how quickly these past months have dragged on! 

You made a few changes between your ninth and tenth month.  Awesome and adorable changes, I might add!

On May 1st,  you cut your first tooth!
On May 9th, you cut your second tooth!
On May 23rd, you slept thru the night for the first time since November!  Praise the LORD!!!
On May 25th, you pointed and said a word similar word to look.  It sounded more like "lick" but was clearly intended to be "look"...but now that I think about it, maybe you were saying lick.  You do love to taste of everything.  You also clapped with both palms open instead of one palm open and one closed.  You sat your self up, unassisted.  And the biggest thing you did was CRAWL!!!

It was so funny, you were playing your daily game of fetch with Dominick (exercising him), you threw the ball and he didn't retrieve it-busy I guess.  You yelled at us to get it for a sec but we were all busy, chatting and doing our own thing.  You put yourself in a crawling position, hesitated (by this time we were all sushing each other, watching you) and crawled over to your ball.  You picked up the ball with your right hand and sat your self back up.  It was that easy.  It's so crazy.  Sweet girl, you take your time reaching your milestones.  But when you're ready, you're READY!!!

On May 25th, your tenth month birthday, you had you're first experience at the lake.  You loved staring at the water but HATED touching the water!  You thought it was horrible!  Dearest baby girl, we will have to work on that because your Mommy is a duck!  We love water!  You happily sat and piled sand on our beach towel for two hours!  You wanted to put everything in your mouth!...and I kind of let you (my bad).  I was hoping that you would find the taste of beachy nature pretty distasteful, but you loved it!!  Sticks were yummy, pine cones were yummy, towels were ok, sand was delicious!!!  I think  you would've sat and played all day, but Big sister Buggy was freezing to death and tired and cranky and miserable and Big Brother accidentally kicked a rock with his already possibly broke toe and Big sister Devan started being a bully to the injured brother, so we decided to pack up and leave before you found drama of you're own. (:

Dani, I love you so much.  You are such a blessing to our family.  For years, I had an ache in my heart, a hole that could not be filled.  I knew that something was missing-someone was missing, and it was YOU!  I love you. You complete me-us as a family. I love you're big blue eyes that are shaped like mine but are the same color as Daddy's.  I love you're ever changing hair color  and girl, let's talk about those curls!  Oh my!  When I was a little girl, I planned to have three daughters, all with unmanageable locks of curls.  Fast forward 19 years later to Devan-straight haired Devan who pulled all of her hair out when Brother came along.  FF 21 years to Dominick-boy with an afro...boy.  FF 24 years to Diamond-one curled Diamond.  Dani, by the time you came along, I had given up on the curl thing and just prayed that you wouldn't be bald for two years like Diamond.  We go lucky!  Baby, you have curls!  Lots of them!

That's all, sweet baby.  Mommy loves you!  xoxox

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Good news

After a long nine months of full time work and full time classes, my husband is back.

My life has been such a hectic mess for the past nine months.  Dealing with three school aged kids, a newborn and PPD almost put me over the edge.  I spent many, many hours crying and just trying to cope-to function properly and not look like the total basket case that I was. Trying to figure out how to be me when I had no idea who I was.  It's weird, I know and I blame the PPD for it.

I questioned why we decided to have a fourth child.  I wanted her.  I prayed for her.  I longed for her.  I celebrated her.  I questioned her?  Near the end, not only was I starting to question my baby-my precious daughter, but I was also questioning my marriage, my family and eventually, my sanity.

Seriously, I wanted desperately to LEAVE- to get in the car and leave this life behind me.  I wanted to be alone but the thought of being alone was terrifying.  I wanted quiet but I needed noise.  When my kiddos were at school, I missed them terribly and when they were home, I glanced at the clock-way too often, hoping it was time to start the bed time routine.  I missed Steven so much that it hurt and by the time he got home, that hurt had turned into anger and I wanted nothing to do with him.  And this went on for month after month.  To say that it sucked would be a serious understatement.

One week.  It has been one week since Steven's last final.  In one week I was reminded of a few things...

We wanted, prayed for, long for and celebrated our fourth child.  We love her.  She is joy-a sheer blessing!  My family is my favorite family and I love spending time with my husband and kiddos.  I love being married.  I love who I am married to.  I'm totally head-over-heals-in-love with that guy!  And the best part?

I was only temporarily insane.  PHEW!

For real!

Oh Happy Day, Friends!  Oh, happy day.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Hey, you!

I was cleaning the office the other day and Miss Dani strolled up in her walker.  We had this big mirror beside the desk and she spotted herself.  She's seen her reflection in mirrors before, but this time I think she recognized herself.  To say that she was fascinated would be a total understatment.  She kept looking at her the little caterpillar magnet in her hand and then looking at it in the mirror.  She would slowly turn it from side to side glancing back at her hand and then back to her reflection.  It was totally adorable.

Then, she got a little too excited and rammed into the mirror causing it to fall over and break.  Fortunately, it didn't fall on her and the glass didn't go flying everywhere.

I love being able to watch her grow and learn new things! She is such a blessing to our family. (:

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Rainy me

Today, I am just sad!  I have been for days!  But today is just the worst.  It's one of those "sads" that make me wanna pack up and hit the road and just drive until I feel better.  

I'm so tempted to do that.  Drive.  

But there are several hearts and minds that wouldn't understand my desperate need to drive.  So here I sit, cooped up in this unlit house with a baby that deserves a happier Mama.  She is extra clingy today.  I'm sure she senses my sadness and that makes me feel guilty.  Guilty for being sad.  Guilty for being tired.  Guilty for being guilty.  It just sucks.

Maybe tomorrow will be better...