Thursday, September 26, 2013

I'm not crazy. I'm just a little unwell...

I had my six week check up a couple of days ago.  Well, actually it was more like my eight week check up because I had to reschedule my appointment twice.

I was actually excited about this check up.  Somewhere in my {sometimes} unrealistic mind, I thought it would be some sort of closure to the trauma I experienced during Dani's delivery.  I thought I would be able to boldly peel off the stack of appointment stickers that have been stuck to the back of my cell phone since the last time I was in the office.  I had this list of things that I wanted to discuss with Dr. M, mostly on the Post Partum Depression topic, but as soon as he walked in the room it was all I could do not to high tail it out of there.  Fear, along with panic set in. 

the stickers are still there =/

"How are things?" he asked.  "Just fine!" I lied.   "Have you had any problems?" he replied.  "Nope!" I lied again.  What the hell?  Why did you just say you were fine? You re not fine!  Come on, tell him.  Tell him your mind sucks and that you are a lot of things, but you are NOT fine   "Do you have questions?"  he asked, interrupting my rambling thoughts.  "Not any that I can think of." I replied....  "You are perfect!" he proclaimed!  "That's what I like to hear!" I quickly replied with a smile.  That was like a double lie right there.  How did I just lie with a smile on my face?...

Needless to say, I did not walk out of that office with a feeling of closure.  It felt more like failure and it was my fault.  I could've just opened my mouth and told him that I wasn't okay, but how can I look a sane person in the face and say "Yes, actually I've been dwelling heavily on suicide lately.  Not actually thinking about doing it my self per say but thinking about it.  No, I do not want to do something like that, but you know, the thought is still there."  How do I say something like that with out looking like a full blown crazy person???

Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20 says it best when he says "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell."

That's how I feel.  That little phrase sums me up.

I was actually doing okay with everything up until a week or two ago.  It was so weird, one day I was fine and that night I wasn't.  The crazy thoughts kicked in and so did the insomnia.  At first, I kicked it up to PMS but after the period came and went and the unrealistic thoughts, insomnia, inconsolable crying and over all sadness stayed, I knew exactly what was going on.

Post Partum Depression had set up shop.

There have been nights where I have spent hours staring into oblivion wondering what it felt like to be one of those people who take the plunge to suicide by slitting their wrists.  I wonder what it would feel like to feel the warm life flow out of my body and lay in a cold puddle on the floor.  I wonder if those people feel any relief from their deep sadness and despair after they take the plunge...

and then I jump back to reality and quickly rally the ppd thoughts.  This isn't normal me, this isn't who I am.  These aren't my thoughts, these thoughts belong to the silent and emotionally crippling, post partum depression.  I know this and it makes it easier to deal with but it's still really hard.   Suicide isn't something I want to do or would even ordinarily think about.  It's just the cold, hard thoughts of raging PPD.  At it's finest, I must say.

I know these feelings of hopelessness and crazy nauseating thoughts are only temporary.  It's just, some days, it's harder to hold a grip on reality than others.  Some days, it's harder to see tomorrow, or even the next hour.  Some days it's hard to look out of the window and see that the sun is shining and actually believe it.  Some days its just hard to exist yet I know that I have to.

...And other days are better. Today has been a good day, obviously.  I've been able to sit and jot this little post on my personal struggle with PPD.  But this is as far as I can go.  I cant talk about it any more today.  Maybe I'll post more later, but for now I'm finished.

I ask that you keep me in your prayers.  Lord knows how much I need them.  Also keep my family in your prayers, they have to live with me and I'm sure that's not easy at times.

Oh, and I'm okay.  Trust me.  This is the forth time that I've been thru this.  It's just an unpleasant season and like any season, it will pass.

Happy Thursday, Friends! (:

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