Dani-10 months

Dear sweet Dani Kalifornia Ruby Rayne,


You are ten months old!  That's two months from a whole year!!  It's crazy just how quickly these past months have dragged on! 


You made a few changes between your ninth and tenth month.  Awesome and adorable changes, I might add!


On May 1st,  you cut your first tooth!
On May 9th, you cut your second tooth!
On May 23rd, you slept thru the night for the first time since November!  Praise the LORD!!!
On May 25th, you pointed and said a word similar word to look.  It sounded more like "lick" but was clearly intended to be "look"...but now that I think about it, maybe you were saying lick.  You do love to taste of everything.  You also clapped with both palms open instead of one palm open and one closed.  You sat your self up, unassisted.  And the biggest thing you did was CRAWL!!!

It was so funny, you were playing your daily game of fetch with Dominick (exercising him), you threw the ball and he didn't retrieve it-busy I guess.  You yelled at us to get it for a sec but we were all busy, chatting and doing our own thing.  You put yourself in a crawling position, hesitated (by this time we were all sushing each other, watching you) and crawled over to your ball.  You picked up the ball with your right hand and sat your self back up.  It was that easy.  It's so crazy.  Sweet girl, you take your time reaching your milestones.  But when you're ready, you're READY!!!


On May 25th, your tenth month birthday, you had you're first experience at the lake.  You loved staring at the water but HATED touching the water!  You thought it was horrible!  Dearest baby girl, we will have to work on that because your Mommy is a duck!  We love water!  You happily sat and piled sand on our beach towel for two hours!  You wanted to put everything in your mouth!...and I kind of let you (my bad).  I was hoping that you would find the taste of beachy nature pretty distasteful, but you loved it!!  Sticks were yummy, pine cones were yummy, towels were ok, sand was delicious!!!  I think  you would've sat and played all day, but Big sister Buggy was freezing to death and tired and cranky and miserable and Big Brother accidentally kicked a rock with his already possibly broke toe and Big sister Devan started being a bully to the injured brother, so we decided to pack up and leave before you found drama of you're own. (:

Dani, I love you so much.  You are such a blessing to our family.  For years, I had an ache in my heart, a hole that could not be filled.  I knew that something was missing-someone was missing, and it was YOU!  I love you. You complete me-us as a family. I love you're big blue eyes that are shaped like mine but are the same color as Daddy's.  I love you're ever changing hair color  and girl, let's talk about those curls!  Oh my!  When I was a little girl, I planned to have three daughters, all with unmanageable locks of curls.  Fast forward 19 years later to Devan-straight haired Devan who pulled all of her hair out when Brother came along.  FF 21 years to Dominick-boy with an afro...boy.  FF 24 years to Diamond-one curled Diamond.  Dani, by the time you came along, I had given up on the curl thing and just prayed that you wouldn't be bald for two years like Diamond.  We go lucky!  Baby, you have curls!  Lots of them!

That's all, sweet baby.  Mommy loves you!  xoxox

Good news

After a long nine months of full time work and full time classes, my husband is back.

My life has been such a hectic mess for the past nine months.  Dealing with three school aged kids, a newborn and PPD almost put me over the edge.  I spent many, many hours crying and just trying to cope-to function properly and not look like the total basket case that I was. Trying to figure out how to be me when I had no idea who I was.  It's weird, I know and I blame the PPD for it.

I questioned why we decided to have a fourth child.  I wanted her.  I prayed for her.  I longed for her.  I celebrated her.  I questioned her?  Near the end, not only was I starting to question my baby-my precious daughter, but I was also questioning my marriage, my family and eventually, my sanity.

Seriously, I wanted desperately to LEAVE- to get in the car and leave this life behind me.  I wanted to be alone but the thought of being alone was terrifying.  I wanted quiet but I needed noise.  When my kiddos were at school, I missed them terribly and when they were home, I glanced at the clock-way too often, hoping it was time to start the bed time routine.  I missed Steven so much that it hurt and by the time he got home, that hurt had turned into anger and I wanted nothing to do with him.  And this went on for month after month.  To say that it sucked would be a serious understatement.

One week.  It has been one week since Steven's last final.  In one week I was reminded of a few things...

We wanted, prayed for, long for and celebrated our fourth child.  We love her.  She is joy-a sheer blessing!  My family is my favorite family and I love spending time with my husband and kiddos.  I love being married.  I love who I am married to.  I'm totally head-over-heals-in-love with that guy!  And the best part?

I was only temporarily insane.  PHEW!

For real!

Oh Happy Day, Friends!  Oh, happy day.

Hey, you!

I was cleaning the office the other day and Miss Dani strolled up in her walker.  We had this big mirror beside the desk and she spotted herself.  She's seen her reflection in mirrors before, but this time I think she recognized herself.  To say that she was fascinated would be a total understatment.  She kept looking at her the little caterpillar magnet in her hand and then looking at it in the mirror.  She would slowly turn it from side to side glancing back at her hand and then back to her reflection.  It was totally adorable.

Then, she got a little too excited and rammed into the mirror causing it to fall over and break.  Fortunately, it didn't fall on her and the glass didn't go flying everywhere.

I love being able to watch her grow and learn new things! She is such a blessing to our family. (:

Rainy me

Today, I am just sad!  I have been for days!  But today is just the worst.  It's one of those "sads" that make me wanna pack up and hit the road and just drive until I feel better.  

I'm so tempted to do that.  Drive.  

But there are several hearts and minds that wouldn't understand my desperate need to drive.  So here I sit, cooped up in this unlit house with a baby that deserves a happier Mama.  She is extra clingy today.  I'm sure she senses my sadness and that makes me feel guilty.  Guilty for being sad.  Guilty for being tired.  Guilty for being guilty.  It just sucks.

Maybe tomorrow will be better...

A PPD update

Hey, there.  I know it's been a while since I posted, but life has been far from laid back and honestly this little space has been one of the last things on my mind.  Still my mind, but not a priority.

In my last post, I talked about my struggles with PPD.  I would love to report that everything is peaches and cream, but it isn't.  I'm slowly getting better.  most days I am perfectly fine but others, not so much.  It's so weird because just a soon as i think I'm better, I'll have an episode of insomnia followed by dark, crazy thoughts and severe depression.  And while these "storms" are slowly disappearing, they are still popping up.  It sucks, but I've learned to hunker down and wait for it to pass.  Like all storms, it eventually does.

We're five months, almost six from Dani's delivery and I still cant watch a movie that has hysterical laughing in it, or screaming.  It sends me straight into panic mode.  I can't breathe and feel the need to "run" somewhere, anywhere.  It's so weird, I can watch anything that has to do with labor and delivery and be just fine, but laughing or screaming?  Nope.  There are several things that I couldn't do a few months ago that i can do now, though.  For instance, I can go to Wal-Mart, with Dani, without feeling completely overwhelmed and helpless and I can walk outside and feel the sun shine on my face without a four hour pep talk.  It's strange to look back just a few months and see the person that I was, so filled with fear, afraid of everything. ...Eeesh.

So anyway, I know some of you have messaged me and were wondering "how" I was doing, and that's my answer.  I'm ok-mostly.

Please still keep me in your prayers and thank you in advance for them!

xoxox-K

I'm not crazy. I'm just a little unwell...

I had my six week check up a couple of days ago.  Well, actually it was more like my eight week check up because I had to reschedule my appointment twice.

I was actually excited about this check up.  Somewhere in my {sometimes} unrealistic mind, I thought it would be some sort of closure to the trauma I experienced during Dani's delivery.  I thought I would be able to boldly peel off the stack of appointment stickers that have been stuck to the back of my cell phone since the last time I was in the office.  I had this list of things that I wanted to discuss with Dr. M, mostly on the Post Partum Depression topic, but as soon as he walked in the room it was all I could do not to high tail it out of there.  Fear, along with panic set in. 

the stickers are still there =/

"How are things?" he asked.  "Just fine!" I lied.   "Have you had any problems?" he replied.  "Nope!" I lied again.  What the hell?  Why did you just say you were fine? You re not fine!  Come on, tell him.  Tell him your mind sucks and that you are a lot of things, but you are NOT fine   "Do you have questions?"  he asked, interrupting my rambling thoughts.  "Not any that I can think of." I replied....  "You are perfect!" he proclaimed!  "That's what I like to hear!" I quickly replied with a smile.  That was like a double lie right there.  How did I just lie with a smile on my face?...

Needless to say, I did not walk out of that office with a feeling of closure.  It felt more like failure and it was my fault.  I could've just opened my mouth and told him that I wasn't okay, but how can I look a sane person in the face and say "Yes, actually I've been dwelling heavily on suicide lately.  Not actually thinking about doing it my self per say but thinking about it.  No, I do not want to do something like that, but you know, the thought is still there."  How do I say something like that with out looking like a full blown crazy person???

Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20 says it best when he says "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell."

That's how I feel.  That little phrase sums me up.

I was actually doing okay with everything up until a week or two ago.  It was so weird, one day I was fine and that night I wasn't.  The crazy thoughts kicked in and so did the insomnia.  At first, I kicked it up to PMS but after the period came and went and the unrealistic thoughts, insomnia, inconsolable crying and over all sadness stayed, I knew exactly what was going on.

Post Partum Depression had set up shop.

There have been nights where I have spent hours staring into oblivion wondering what it felt like to be one of those people who take the plunge to suicide by slitting their wrists.  I wonder what it would feel like to feel the warm life flow out of my body and lay in a cold puddle on the floor.  I wonder if those people feel any relief from their deep sadness and despair after they take the plunge...

and then I jump back to reality and quickly rally the ppd thoughts.  This isn't normal me, this isn't who I am.  These aren't my thoughts, these thoughts belong to the silent and emotionally crippling, post partum depression.  I know this and it makes it easier to deal with but it's still really hard.   Suicide isn't something I want to do or would even ordinarily think about.  It's just the cold, hard thoughts of raging PPD.  At it's finest, I must say.


I know these feelings of hopelessness and crazy nauseating thoughts are only temporary.  It's just, some days, it's harder to hold a grip on reality than others.  Some days, it's harder to see tomorrow, or even the next hour.  Some days it's hard to look out of the window and see that the sun is shining and actually believe it.  Some days its just hard to exist yet I know that I have to.

...And other days are better. Today has been a good day, obviously.  I've been able to sit and jot this little post on my personal struggle with PPD.  But this is as far as I can go.  I cant talk about it any more today.  Maybe I'll post more later, but for now I'm finished.

I ask that you keep me in your prayers.  Lord knows how much I need them.  Also keep my family in your prayers, they have to live with me and I'm sure that's not easy at times.

Oh, and I'm okay.  Trust me.  This is the forth time that I've been thru this.  It's just an unpleasant season and like any season, it will pass.

Happy Thursday, Friends! (:

Stream of consciousness

 Sometimes, this little thing gives me this look ^^^ and I'm like 

"Oh, My Goodness! I gave birth to my freakin' Mother!!!"

Seriously.

It freaks me out.

Every. Time.

 

 

And when this little thing smiles, I totally forgive her for all of the hours that she plays the crying game...and also playing the lets-see-how-many-hours-I-can-stay-up mid night marathon game she thoroughly enjoys playing.  Often.

Also, I forgive her for looking just like my mother, at times. {Ha!}

 

Steven is taking sign language in school...We're all taking sign language.

At home.



 

 

Diamond is living up to the whole "blonde" stereotype.  We went to her parent teacher conference today and her teacher shared a little sliver of a conversation that she and Diamond had the other day.  She said to Diamond,  "Diamond, I want you to write all of the words you know." 

Diamond proudly wrote the word "NO" and that is all. (:

 

 

The boy almost had a panic attack when he saw that his science grade was a 90.  He was so ashamed.  Maybe we're too hard on that little dude.  Nah, we must be doing something right, if that is his lowest grade.  Also, I realized {just now} that I didn't have recent pictures of him by himself, so I went to take one but that is as close as I got.  I know he's in a house full of girls but he's a fantastic big brother and Dani loves him. 

She also loves to yell at him.

She's very quick to anger. 

We're still working on that one.

 

I was going to talk about my PPD in this post, but I will save that for another day.  This post is too happy to drag in a little black rain cloud...actually it would be a storm.  Maybe tomorrow.

...

Bouncing right back to happy

 

 

This girl likes to work out.

Mostly at night.

Like 2 a.m.

I wish I was as dedicated as she was.

She tries really hard to motivate me but I've just never been a fan of 2 a.m. workouts.

 

Well, she's yelling at the boy, so I'm calling it quits for tonight.

 

Happy Monday, Friends!